Recovering addicts know that the days, weeks and months following treatment can be rough on the family. In many cases, familial relationships have already been so fractured they are almost beyond repair. For others in recovery, the very occurrence of a setback, however small, is enough to send the family into turmoil and threaten the sobriety of the newly-clean addict. So it is that recovery, which should be a joyous time, a time of hope and renewal, can just as quickly turn into a phase of desperation, failure and relapse. For the recovering addict and his or her spouse/significant other or family, sometimes the only option that makes sense is to walk away.

Walking Away Isn’t Quitting

When you walk away from your family, it should never be as a result of the desire to quit. Whether you are the recovering addict or the spouse of the newly-sober individual, your reasons for leaving must be based on the best interests of all concerned. The decision should come after all other options have been thoroughly explored, and/or you’ve come to the realization that by staying, you’re doing more harm than good – harm to you, your spouse and your family.

Let’s take an example. Jennifer, mid-30s, is the live-in partner of Woody, 40. They have no children but prior to Woody’s stay in rehab for cocaine and alcohol addiction, they’d talked about getting married and starting a family. Jennifer is an artist who works from home, an only child whose parents are deceased. Woody’s mother is an alcoholic and his father a compulsive gambler. His two younger brothers, Alex and Tim, early 30s, are heavily into street drugs. Money has always been an issue in Woody’s family and he witnessed many explosive arguments at home growing up. Jennifer worships Woody, but doesn’t know how to relate to him now that he’s home from addiction treatment. He’s often silent, not the talkative person she so enjoyed, and he doesn’t want to socialize anymore. Her own work is suffering, since she feels compelled to watch over Woody all the time, afraid that he might slip. They haven’t had sex since before he went into rehab and Woody says he no longer wants children. In fact, Woody’s so different now that Jennifer feels trapped in a relationship she doesn’t want.

Clearly these two individuals are experiencing a great deal of difficulty adjusting to Woody’s new sobriety. The couple isn’t married, so there would not be any legal issues to untangle should they decide to split. Woody and Jennifer may benefit from continued counseling, if they’d go. It appears, however, that their finances are constrained, so professional couple’s therapy probably isn’t in the cards. Woody needs to resume attendance at his 12-step meetings (Alcoholics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous) – even though he says he doesn’t like the people there and it’s not helping him. Jennifer could find help through Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, but she seems unlikely to go.

Perhaps in this instance, Jennifer and Woody should part ways – at least until Woody is more firmly rooted in his sobriety and has a solid game-plan for his future. Staying together now could mean the relationship continues to disintegrate to the point of irreconcilable differences. For his part, Woody should attempt to see things from Jennifer’s perspective. If she truly means anything to him, he will put aside his own concerns and resolve to set her free. He needs to heal himself before he can open up to Jennifer or any other woman. Jennifer, on the other hand, needs to let go of her guilt and have the courage to stand up to Woody. She needs to be free of Woody’s needfulness.

Display Respect and Love

It’s not as easy as that, however. Walking away involves striving to achieve a delicate balance of resolve and independence, and needs to be accomplished with a display of respect and love.

In other words, you don’t need to have a shouting match to get your point across. Two people should be able to sit down together, or with a counselor present, and discuss their wants and needs in a civil manner. No matter how rough things have been, or how many hopes and dreams have been shattered, the decision to split can be amicable. Sometimes, however, the hurt has been so profound that one partner is unable to see anything good in the other. In such instances, the split should occur as quickly and with as much dignity as possible.

Let’s take another example. Bradley, 58, is married to Lynnette, 43. The couple have three young children, two girls, ages 11 and 15, and one boy, 17. Bradley has been doing his best to take care of the children while his wife was in treatment for compulsive sexual behavior, alcoholism and prescription drug addiction. This was Lynnette’s third time at rehab. Bradley has a good job, is a loving father, but has been repeatedly hurt by Lynnette’s affairs and blatant refusal to be a mother. In fact, she’s often been verbally and physically abusive to the children while she’s drunk and high – most often when she returns from one of her sexual liaisons. Bradley’s at the end of his patience. Lynnette refuses to change, and has stated on more than one occasion that she wants out.

Bradley’s most important consideration is the welfare of his children. While he believes in marriage for life, in this case, he has come to realize that Lynnette is not the partner for him. He and Lynnette should work out the details for her departure, making sure that the children are not negatively affected by the discussions and arrangements. Bradley’s best bet is to remain as respectful of Lynnette as possible, and show her cordiality, if not love, as she leaves the family.

Source: Drug Addiction Treatment